“Is This Normal?”
It’s a question parents ask in mom groups, on social media, and in whispered conversations with everyone from grandmas to pediatricians. We all wonder if our kids are meeting appropriate milestones, staying on target with their peers, and are just “normal” (if that’s even a thing!).
But that question feels much more urgent—and anxiety-inducing—when it’s about behaviors involving private parts. Few things trigger panic and embarrassment for parents like seeing their child engage in a behavior that seems “sexual.”
So, let’s talk about it! We want to break it down for you in a way that removes the stigma and mystery from behaviors ranging from self-stimulation to exposure to pornography.
Understanding Age-Appropriate Sexual Behavior in Kids
It often surprises parents to learn that exploration, play, and even “boundary-pushing” related to bodies and private parts are normal parts of development. This is how kids learn about their bodies, social norms, and personal values.
But just because a behavior is normal doesn’t mean it doesn’t require guidance. In fact, that’s how our kids learn healthy boundaries and behaviors. Just as we use every intersection as an opportunity to model and discuss safe ways to cross the street, there are many daily ways to discuss and educate kids about this critical topic.
For example
- At bathtime: “We wash our own private parts, and no one else should touch them.”
- At the playground: “We always ask permission before giving hugs because everyone has a personal space bubble we need to respect.”
- During potty training: “We close the door when we go to the bathroom because potty time is private.”
This is too important a topic to let fear and discomfort get in the way! Let’s look at what to expect at different ages and how to guide our kids’ natural curiosity.
Why Do They Always Reach for Their Privates? (Ages 0-4)
Preschoolers are fascinated by their bodies. They think potty words are hilarious, don’t understand the concept of privacy (any moms want to testify?), and are naturally curious about how their bodies are alike or different from those of their family and friends. This might lead to them showing their private parts to others or noticing the differences between their private parts and a sibling’s. They often haven’t learned healthy boundaries and may undress in public or touch their mother’s breasts, needing redirection.
It is also very typical for them to be curious about their own genitals and even notice that those parts feel good to touch. At this age, they do not understand sexuality or masturbate in the way adults do. Instead, touching their own genitals is called self-stimulation, done out of curiosity or because it generally feels good, but it is not linked in their minds to sexual gratification.
💡 Teachable Moments:
- Teach the correct names for body parts (“penis,” “vulva”) to create a foundation for openness and safety.
- Redirect curiosity with simple, shame-free language: “I know that feels nice, but touching private parts is something we do in private, not at the dinner table. How about a back scratch?”
- Introduce the concept of body rules: “We keep our clothes on in public, and we don’t touch anyone else’s private parts.” Use our free coloring resource to help you guide them in understanding and asserting healthy boundaries.
Why Does Daddy Have a Tail? (Ages 4-6)
Young children have a growing awareness of others and increased socialization with their peers. By this age, they generally have a firm grasp of their own bodies, ideally know the scientific names for their body parts, and understand that boys’ and girls’ bodies have different parts. Although they have learned some basics about healthy boundaries, their impulsivity and curiosity can sometimes get the better of them.
Parent Story: A mom once shared how her 5-year-old daughter, curious about what boys’ bodies look like, snuck in to watch her daddy get out of the shower. She was horrified to learn that he appeared to have a tail! These humorous, albeit sometimes uncomfortable, situations are great opportunities to reiterate what body parts are for sharing and which are to be kept private.
It can be terrifying to find out your child has been “playing doctor” with a sibling or friend. But try to stay calm. If these curiosity-driven behaviors occur between children of similar ages, they are not problematic but do need redirection and education. A period of increased supervision with friends or siblings may also be appropriate while your child is still learning healthy body boundaries.
💡 Teachable Moments:
- Normalize curiosity: “Boys’ and girls’ bodies look different. If you have questions, I’m always happy to answer!”
- Reinforce privacy: “Certain body parts are private, and we don’t peek at other people when they’re changing.”
- Redirect behaviors without shame: “Private parts are not for playing or showing. Let’s play out in the living room instead of the bedroom.”
Privacy, Porn, & Puberty (Ages 7-12)
School-age children (7-12) should be educated about how their bodies are changing and their possibly growing sexual attraction. Discussions about consent, privacy, and addiction are important at this age. Parents’ guidance helps shape how kids think about their bodies, relationships, and self-worth. The median age for first exposure to explicit content is getting younger, making early conversations essential. Books like Good Pictures, Bad Pictures by Kristen Jenson are a great way to guide these discussions.
As a child’s understanding of sexuality grows, they may also experiment with masturbation. Faith and family beliefs will largely influence how you educate your child on this topic, but all school-age children should have limits set to prevent masturbation from harming themselves or others. Respecting their privacy while showing genuine interest in their experiences (changing bodies, social or romantic dynamics) and questions will give you opportunities to coach them through these challenging years.
💡 Teachable Moments:
- Introduce safe internet habits early: Use parental controls, website browsing history checks, and screen time limits to keep your pre-teen safe.
- Talk about consent and boundaries: “Your body belongs to you, and you get to decide who touches it. The same goes for other people.”
- Give a safe space for questions: “You’re growing up, and your body is changing. If you ever feel confused or want to talk, I’m always here.”
Overcoming Parental Discomfort: “I Don’t Know How to Talk About This”
Many parents feel uneasy talking about these topics because they weren’t raised in homes where open conversations about bodies and boundaries were the norm. If this is you, you’re not alone.
Maybe your parents avoided the subject altogether, or maybe the way they talked about it left you feeling shame instead of security. If you have a history of trauma or struggle with past experiences, these discussions can feel even heavier.
But our level of comfort doesn’t determine whether a behavior is typical or problematic. All children need education and guidance in this area, even if it makes us uncomfortable.
Here are some ways to get started
- Name your feelings: “I feel embarrassed because no one talked to me about this growing up.”
- Remind yourself that your child isn’t being “bad” or “naughty”—they’re learning.
- Seek support from a trusted friend or counselor if your past experiences make these conversations especially hard.
They Might Not Remember What You Said (But They Will Remember How You Made Them Feel)
The goal isn’t to have one perfect talk—it’s to create a home where your child knows they can always come to you with their questions.
And don’t worry—you don’t have to do this perfectly. If you get flustered, laugh through the awkwardness. If you say the wrong thing, you can always try again. What matters most is that your child learns that you are a safe person to talk to about their body, their questions, and their experiences.
Need more guidance? Check out our blog From Bathtime to Big Talks: Everyday Ways to Teach Kids About Their Bodies for simple conversation starters.
Help for Unique Circumstances
If you are parenting a child with a history of sexual abuse, extra care is needed to help them understand the difference between sex and sexual abuse. It is important to correct errant beliefs and unhealthy patterns of interaction that you child likely observed and may even think is “normal”. If you are looking for a more in-depth resource for parenting a child with a history of sexual abuse, check out this resource from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN).
Your child doesn’t need you to do this perfectly—they need you to bravely show up for them, awkward conversations and all. By creating a safe, shame-free space for these discussions, you’re building a foundation where your child knows you are the safest and wisest person to turn to with their struggles and questions.
